Is It ADHD?

My realisation. 

I realised that I had ADHD, or at least thought I had it, when I started to research dyslexia. I had always known that I had dyslexia, this became clearer when I was at college training as a beauty therapist. when training, If I wanted a diagnosis, I had to pay £350. That was not a priority for 17 year old Kaylie. So, when I decided to start University, I started to investigate dyslexia and ADHD.  

ADHD.  

I mean, I never really understood what ADHD in females really was. And only recently have I discovered the differences. When I started to research the symptoms of female ADHD, I started to realise and feel like every paper I read, were directed at me and about me. It opened my eyes to the reality. It made me feel like I had a reason for my struggles.  

It became more apparent to me as a parent, when I tried to create a routine for me and my family. A routine that I was unable to hold onto. I mean, how many people do you know, who forget to drink. I would forget simple things like drinking water or eating breakfast, making tea for myself and sometimes even making lunch for my kids. Though they would remind me very quickly. I felt like a horrendous mother. Why could I not get into that routine I saw all the other mothers around me doing. 

When the ball dropped.  

It was around 3:00 AM in the morning and I was crying inconsolably, to myself. I could not shut off for some reason, I had so many things going around in my head and could not go to sleep. What made this worse is Nate was often waking for night feeds. So, after hours of trying to get to sleep, I decided to get out of bed, and right down my struggles. When looking into my struggles later in the day, I then decided to see if they linked with ADHD. They did…  

here are just some; 

Struggles with organisation. 

childhood -I would not be able to keep my room clean. I would happily spend hours organising it, putting everything in its place, but I could never keep it. 

adulthood-still same as above, constantly losing things like the remote and my keys. I cannot keep paperwork organised. I think I have just been lucky to have a husband who loves to tidy.  

Frequent failure of multitasking.  

adulthood-always trying to tidy one room but ending up starting another and then feeling physically exhausted and do not finish anything  

I attempt to work, sort kids out and end up failing. 

Careless Mistakes and Missed Deadlines.  

childhood- always realizing I had forgotten homework and feeling the need to lie about why it was not done, getting very emotional. see it was not me purposely forgetting to do the work, I loved school.  

Adulthood- remembering the unpleasant feeling and physically trying to beat deadlines, always feeling like I may fail at the next hurdle, always worrying I will be late, missing payments on credit cards if no direct debits in place.  

The Desire to Avoid Long Drawn–Out Tasks 

 childhood – I would pretend I did not have any work until the last minute and then try and struggle to push through. I knew that I could do better if I did not procrastinate. 

 Adulthood – any long paperwork is daunting and I get my husband to do it. lockdown queues were too much, and I had to send my husband. I think, just the fear in general I may do something wrong.  

Getting Distracted.  

well, I am sure you have seen in these last couple of blogs I get distracted quite easily. 

Childhood- in school I would find myself doodling or staring out of the window and being completely blank when asked questions on what was just said.  

Adulthood- I find myself blanking at university if the course leader has spoken for more than five minutes. I must practise active listening in my degree and find I must work hard to concentrate or take in the conversation. I start a conversation that I had already started in my head so does not make any sense to anyone else.  

Struggling with the Ability to Relax  

I cannot take a relaxing time for myself, without thinking or planning something. I am unable to take a long bath or shower even if I try, I always have something going on. I do not like being on my own or being with my own thoughts. 

THE Ability to Hyper Focus. 

 I do find if I have a new hobby like, crocheting, I will do it constantly, all my free time will consume it. I will stay up late doing it, but I will not last and will fizzle out quickly. 

Drifting Off  

again, we have spoken about this. I go off on tangents in every conversation, to the point that I have now started to admit it with close friends and family, instead of trying to go round and round and come back to the point that I was meant to make in the first place. 

my family would call me a chatterbox or a daydreamer, though their idea of daydreaming would be then I was too optimistic, always had my head in the clouds.

Easily Distracted and Bored  

 I can describe this in my life as re-organising rooms and re decorating, having ideas for one room then moving on to another without finishing. being consumed with ideas whilst lying in bed not able to cope with the noise. 

Chronic Underachievement  

Childhood- I was unable to articulate what I wanted to say without stuttering and feeling like the word is on the tip of my tongue. unable to remember information like names or dates in revision, but I remember the scenes of incidents. I always got told I had 100% effort in lessons but did not ever achieve high marks. Even with a very keen interest in the subject,  

Adulthood- can be given a task I felt I have completely understood and being completely incorrect. I have started to work through this with strategies, I have now started to achieve. 

Increased Physical Activity  

I found while at University, and even when I was at school, I would always shake my leg when sat, or just play with my hair, doodle, tap my pen to my nails just anything to keep me busy. 

Other Traits 

 I also find myself shaking my legs, while I am trying to read and concentrate. some may see this is a bad thing, but I just see it as exercise whilst working.  

Excessive  

Childhood/young adult- yes, I would impulsively shop, smoke and drink and work lots, I would often be accused of working too hard.  

Extremely Low Self Esteem  

Childhood- I was the centre of attention at home, but noticeably quiet and timid at school.  

Adulthood- All I want to be able to do is feel confident in front of the camera, I very rarely have photos of me with the family. I am working through this; I want to document my life. I also want to not feel judge at every turn.  

Tasks Take Double the Time  

I always think that I can do a task a lot quicker than possible, that then leads to me being late or getting bored or not finishing.  

Making Impulsive Decisions 

 in the last year alone, I have started 3 business ventures, University and had two jobs. Enough said.  

Dislike of Planning 

I love to plan, but it never works out how I have planned. I mean I always plan things that are impossible, I seem to think that I am Supergirl, and my poor husband is Superman. 

Missed Scheduled Appointments  

I would miss every appointment, if it were not for my husband reminding me, that is before I found Alexa, she has become my personal assistant for many tasks.  

Late  

Childhood- I was constantly late, I don’t think I ever really turned up to school on TIME. If I was late, I could not focus on the rest of the day. I remember being sat in the canteen at lunch, after being late in the morning, and still pondering over how I’d managed to be late. 

Adulthood- this has affected me; I now must be early for everything. When I say early, I could be arriving 2 hours early, just to be sure, I’ll be there on time  

Relatives with ADHD  

I believe my dad could be an undiagnosed ADHD and sent to a boarding school as a child due to it, although I am not 100% sure on that, it is not really spoken about. 

While Reading, No Information is Absorbed  

Childhood and adulthood- yes, I will read a paragraph five times over, and could not recall the information, although this can be a dyslexia trait also.  

Procrastination  

Childhood- I mentioned about my procrastination in childhood 

Adulthood-well to answer that one, I should be doing some University work right now, instead I am writing this blog and talking about ADHD. 

Interrupt and Talk Over  

Childhood- this was a daily occurrence, but I did not do it on purpose, you see it is not that I wanted to be the main person talking, on the contrary, I like listening to people. I do struggle, if I have something I want to say. If I did not say it there and then. I would tend to forget what it was, or I could not concentrate on what someone was saying to me. 

Adulthood- I have worked hard to stop interrupting people, and if I forget what I was going to say, it cannot be that important. most of the time, I am listening and that is what people want. I would say I am a recovering people pleaser, problems solver. 

Forgetful  

I can recall long term memories to the clothes we wore that day, but I will lose my keys, forget where the remote is, I will put it in a safe place and forget where the safe place is.  

Emotionally Volatile  

I do not think I blame everyone when things do not go my way, I do not have a high or a low, but I do remember as a child being very emotionally volatile, having to justify my actions constantly. 

 Quick to Defend  

I do find myself defending my actions, all the time. I try to justify myself to everyone, though there is no need to justify that situation. 

Getting Advice. 

When I realised that this was a situation, and I wanted some help, honestly not everybody needs help or a diagnosis. But for me it was important, I mean, I wanted to understand myself. I wanted to understand how my brain worked, and how I could fix the issues I had. So, my first point of call was to contact my GP. Due to covid I was unable to have a face-to-face appointment and had a phone call appointment from a locum doctor. I must admit, this was the worst experience I have ever had, and I have had four children.  

This is how the conversation went. the doctor asked me how he could help?  I replied with, ‘hi I am wondering if you can help me, I have a feeling that I may have ADHD, I have been researching my dyslexia symptoms and ADHD seems to come up a lot.’ Before I had chance to continue the GP said, ‘I will stop you there, I do not think you have ADHD!’ Yes, you hear right, the GP, who I had never spoken to before, a locum. Who did not know my background, and did not know my symptoms, said I was not ADHD within a one-minute conversation?  I was calm but also quite critical, I replied with, ‘I’m sorry, are you trying to tell me that you have diagnose me over the phone, without seeing me.’ I must emphasise this was calm, I did not shout. My husband was in the next room, and didn’t hear a word, we live in a paper-thin walled bungalow, if I had shouted, he would have heard. His reply was ‘Do not shout at me.’ This threw me, and even though I hadn’t even raised my voice, I apologised. 

He then continued to tell me, or should I say ask me why I need a diagnosis, ‘what would you get from a diagnosis?’ so I told him I would like a diagnosis so I can understand how I work. The next words out of his mouth were quite amazing, I cannot say this was exactly word for word, but it was along the lines of, ‘well if you do have ADHD, you will just be given drugs like cocaine is that what you want?’ wow, just wow. While holding back the tears, I said ‘I’m sorry, but not only have you told me that I do not have ADHD within one minute, but you are now telling me if I do have ADHD, I need to fear the medication that they would give me’.

 He felt that I had an anxiety disorder or depression. I went through the NHS list of depression, before I even thought about considering ADHD, depression is something that I have had lots of dealings with in my family. the only things that I could link the depression with on the NHS website, is low self-esteem, difficulty making decisions, anxiety, and lack of energy. yet all of these are also traits of ADHD. 

 I came away from that phone call feeling very disheartened, in tears, feeling like I was alone. I remember crying to my husband. see I have always had medical issues, but always hiding that side it was hard to be knocked down… So, I did what any 29-year-old woman would do, I called my mum. my mother has worked with mental health for over 20 years, when I explained how it happened, she was absolutely disgusted. she decided to call the surgery herself and ask for another doctor to call me. and she urged me to make a complaint. 

Second Opinion  

the GP that I spoke to the next time round, was a female though I am not saying that females are more polite, but she really did listen, she sat and listened to everything that I was concerned about, I had a five-page list, she did not interrupt, she did not make me feel like I was wrong, she just listened. At the end of the conversation, she agreed she felt many things that I had expressed, could be linked with ADHD. She sent a referral straight through.  

Waiting List  

so, I am now currently on the waiting list, the current waiting list is one year. yes, you hear right, one year until I can find out if I do have ADHD. I did however do an ADHD screening at the University and I am being diagnosed with academic ADHD when I say diagnosed, I have had a needs assessment who have said that I have traits of academic ADHD, and things are being put into place to help. 

Why have I Blogged this?  

Well, I have written this blog, for anyone who feels that they may have ADHD. I want them to know, this is a journey and sadly not always a simple one. And that they are not alone. If you are on a similar journey to me, I would love to hear your experiences. Also, if you would like to hear how I am taking steps to handle my symptoms in the meantime please subscribe.