ADHD, Grief, and the Loss of a Father: When the Emotional Pot Overflows

Grief is never simple. But grieving with ADHD? That’s a whole different emotional rollercoaster. One that doesn’t always follow the usual track.

I lost both my father and stepfather recently. My stepdad was there from when I was four. He walked me down the aisle. He celebrated every milestone. He loved my kids fiercely. Losing him was like losing the ground beneath my feet. But at the time, I couldn’t show it. I was the “mother hen.” The strong one. The emotional support person for my siblings and my children.

ADHD makes grief complicated. Emotional dysregulation turns sadness into something louder, messier. I couldn’t let it out in front of people, even though I was breaking inside. I put on the smile. I kept things running for the kids. But in the quiet of night, when the world wasn’t watching, I’d cry into my pillow at 3 a.m. I wasn’t just tired, I was carrying grief that my brain didn’t know how to process yet.

Friends wondered why I wasn’t more emotional. You learn to bottle things up when you’ve spent a lifetime being told you’re “too sensitive.” Being labeled “over the top” also contributes to this. And like many ADHDers, I filed that grief away, “I’ll feel this later.”

And I did. About a year later, life moved on. I started a new job. I thought it was all going to be fine. But spoiler alert … It wasn’t. That’s when it hit me like a tidal wave. My body felt the grief before my brain allowed the feelings to surface. Stress built. I snapped at the kids more easily. My body hurt. And then that emotional pot? It burst.

What I’ve learned is this:
Grief for those of us with ADHD doesn’t always show up how people expect. You might not cry at the funeral. You might not cry at all for months. You might just feel off, anxious, exhausted, easily triggered, or totally numb.

And that’s okay.

You’re not broken. You’re human. And if you’re a mum trying to juggle your own heartache while parenting. You’re doing more than enough.

Let yourself feel it. Let your children see you cry. That’s not weakness, it’s healthy, and it’s healing. ( I know easier said than done, but little steps hey…)

Father’s Day is around the corner. I have lost both of mine. I just wanted to say: if you’re holding back tears for someone you’ve lost, you’re not alone. Whether it was last month or last decade, the feeling is shared. And your ADHD brain isn’t grieving wrong. It’s just grieving your way.

If you’re navigating loss with ADHD and feel overwhelmed or unsure what’s “normal,” you’re not alone. I’ll be sharing more about ADHD, emotions, and motherhood. Hit subscribe or follow me on Instagram @themessymumblog to stay connected.