I Thought I Was Just Being Helpful
I never used to call it people pleasing. I called it helping, being nice, doing my bit. It wasn’t until I was diagnosed with ADHD and started falling down that classic research rabbit hole that I realised what it really was: a full-on, unfiltered need to say “yes” to everyone around me, even if it meant saying “no” to myself.
Mum of Four, Too Many Hats, and Not Enough Time
I’m a mum of four. I work. I used to be PTA Chair, and now I just help where needed. I run a blog, make cake toppers, work as a virtual assistant, and face paint. You’d think with that much on my plate, I’d have boundaries of steel. The truth? I say yes way too quickly, before I’ve even checked if I have time to breathe.
The Hidden Cost of Saying Yes
Why? Because in the moment, I genuinely want to help. If I can take something off someone’s shoulders, I will. But what usually happens? That yes ends up meaning my family misses out. My kids get the “PTA child” experience, which people assume comes with perks, but really just means they watch their mum run around events instead of enjoying them together. My husband sees me spiral and ends up having to pick up the pieces when I crash. Again.
The ADHD People Pleasing Spiral
That’s the cycle,
➡ Say yes to feel helpful
➡ Take on too much
➡ Burn out
➡ Let people down anyway
➡ Feel like a failure
➡ Rinse and repeat.
When you’ve lived with ADHD your whole life, you start to understand how things like rejection sensitivity and impulsivity fuel people pleasing. I don’t say yes just to be liked, I say it because I’m terrified of being forgotten, overlooked, or left out. It feels like some bad teen movie where if you’re not quick enough to jump in and help, you’ll be cast as the outcast or “the one who doesn’t fit.”
Admitting It Out Loud Helped
I never realised how deep this ran until I started saying things like, “I’m a recovering people pleaser” out loud. And while I relapse all the time (seriously, daily), I’ve started letting the people around me know what I’m working on. Some even help by framing things in a way that makes it easier for me to say no. And that tiny shift? That’s been a game-changer.
The Pressure to Prove Myself
I still don’t have the answers. I still feel like I need to prove I can do it all, probably because I’ve spent my whole life being told I’m not academic, not clever, not capable. But I’m learning that I don’t have to do it all to be enough.
Choosing What Actually Matters
I’ve stepped back from the PTA and no longer wear the boss hat. I now help only where needed and don’t carry the weight of running it all. I only face paint now if it works for my family. I’ve shifted more into virtual assistant work, helping others behind the scenes instead of burning every weekend in face paint and glitter. I’m pouring more love into my blog, more intention into my family, and trying to be okay with letting people down sometimes, because maybe, just maybe, it means I’m finally showing up for me.
To the ADHD Mum Who Feels Like She’s Drowning in “Yes”…
I see you. I am you. And while I don’t have a magic fix, I can tell you this: you’re not a bad mum or a bad friend if you choose rest over people pleasing. You’re just someone learning that your worth doesn’t come from how much you give; it comes from who you are.
…And that’s more than enough.
Let’s Keep This Conversation Going
If this post made you nod along or feel even a tiny bit seen, please share it.
- Send it to another mum who always says yes before she thinks.
- Tag your fellow recovering people pleasers.
- Or drop a comment and tell me about your people-pleasing moment of the week; we can laugh, cry, or both.
- You’re not alone in this messy middle. Let’s put an end to burnout and start saying yes to ourselves, too.
You can find more relatable ADHD mum life over on the blog. Come hang out!
The Messy Mum Virtual Assistant 